The solo mindset and living authentically
I recently stumbled on the book Solo, by behavioral scientist Peter McGraw. In his book, McGraw explores various ways people can relate to being either single or in a relationship, other than riding the standard “relationship escalator”, i.e. dating, officially declaring to be in a relationship, moving in together, marrying, having kids. I was intrigued, because the standard model of marrying and having kids has never appealed to me. During my adult life I have been in and out of relationships, and the older I grew, the more obvious it became: I was not the kind who would settle, not in the traditional way at least. If only because I have always known I didn’t want to have children.
But what struck me the most was the concept of the solo identity. McGraw distinguishes being ‘solo’ from being ‘single’. “The solo mindset is independent of relationship status,” he writes. Solos are independent people, who do not rely on their relationship with others (whether romantic or platonic) and do not necessarily strive to be in a relationship just because that’s what society expects. Solos look “past conventions to design their own lives.” Hmm… Independent people, looking past conventions, designing their own life, that sounded very much like… me! The solo concept resonated with me, because it’s very much who I am.
In 2020 I wrote an essay titled ‘Is autonomy a myth?’, in which I advocated living autonomously, which I described as “the freedom – within the framework of your circumstances – to decide independently and at your own discretion about how you want to live your own life.” I also noted that living autonomously lies at the heart of existentialism, the philosophy that is central to my writings. According to French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre “man is free” to choose who he wants to be. We are responsible for shaping our own lives. Given our circumstances, we choose how we want to live our lives, that is autonomy. In this sense, solos are existentialists. “Solos embrace autonomy, sovereignty and self-reliance,” McGraw writes. They live their lives “aligned with personal goals, tastes, values and lifestyle.”
Existentialists call this ‘living authentically.’ In my essay ‘Authenticity: your values, your choice’ I wrote that the essence of authenticity is “that you make your own choices, freely and based on the values that are important to you, and your idea of how you want to live your life – regardless of what other people do.” I quoted Dutch philosopher Joep Dohmen, who said: “He is authentic who knows no fear of freedom, who has the courage not to conform to the prevailing norms, but who develops his own motives.” McGraw echos this view when he writes: “Solos are comfortable with values and lifestyles that may diverge from the dominant culture (…) They are not afraid of being alone; they embrace their solitude, their freedom, and their opportunity to create a life that is uniquely theirs.”
Although this is true, it may not always be easy. In another essay, ‘Individuality, conformity and our need for social acceptance’, I noted that people massively conform to what other people do and to what (they think) society expects from them. “Few people dare to ignore that kind of ‘social expectations’. Who really make their own decisions and dare to choose their own path in life, even if by doing so they deviate from the ‘norm’,” I wrote. This urge to conform stems from our need for social acceptance. People have a deep-rooted need to feel accepted by those around them. To fit in, to belong. Going your own way takes courage. You need mental strength to resist social pressure and to make your own choices. To go it alone requires courage and mental resilience.
Solos and authentic relationships
McGraw stresses that being solo “is not about relationship status. It’s a perspective. A state of being.” Having a solo mindset means “Rejecting societal expectations of marriage and family.” Solos can “move in and out of relationships” and are perfectly fine being single. This is no doubt thanks to their autonomy, their need for freedom and solitude and their ability to go it alone. The key is: solos don’t need a relationship. Being in a relationship is not a goal in itself. Solos “view relationships – romantic or platonic – as a means to enhance life rather than repair it,” says McGraw.
This reflects the way existentialists view relationships. Looking for a relationship in order to complete us would be ‘bad faith’, or inauthentic, as existentialists call it. “It’s an escape from taking responsibility for pursuing our own fulfillment,” says existentialist philosopher Skye Cleary. In an authentic relationship, “each person trusts, appreciates, and respects one another as autonomous individuals who freely choose to be together.” People don’t cease to have a solo mindset when they are in a relationship. They remain the autonomous, independent, self-relient individuals they have always been, and want to shape their relationship according to their needs and wishes.
For this McGraw introduces the term ‘relationship design’, which he describes as “the process by which two or more people intentionally engage in cocreating a customized relationship.” People who design their own relationship aim to to suit their own needs and desires, “rather than defaulting into the rules expected by society.” Maybe somewhat naively, I always thought that every relationship was a relationship-by-design. People are different, so relationships are different, and that it’s up to the people involved create their own customized relationship as they wish. At least that’s how I have always approached my own relationships.
But of course that’s not what most people do. “You will find that few people have experience explicitly designing a relationship,” McGraw writes. Most people just “default in”, following the expectations of family members, friends, and wider society, riding the “relationship escalator.” Because that’s what people do, right? Well, no. Not people who have a solo mindset. Solos “customize relationships by prioritizing their own desires over societal expectations,” McGraw writes. That’s my kind of relationship. In a relationship-by-design, people communicate their needs, wishes and expectations. They look for compatibility, are open about their needs and wishes, share their ideas of a future together, and make clear their boundaries.
This reflects the way existentialists approach relationships. According to Skye Cleary in an authentic relationship, instead of defaulting in, people choose to create a relationship together. “It is up to lovers to work it out themselves,” says Cleary, “relationships will be different for everyone at different times in their lives.” In his book McGraw quotes a solo who is “looking for the Venn diagram where your wants and needs overlap my wants and needs.” Nicely put.
As McGraw says: “Not all singles are solos, and not all solos are single.” To that I would like to add: Not all solos are existentialists and not all existentialists are solo. But I think a solo mindset may just be a key element to an authentic, existentialist lifestyle.
